Have You Been Watching...? Zombie Night (2013)

  

Syfy/Asylum studio movies can be a bit "hit and miss". Apparently the studio have never made a loss on any of their flicks. Yes, they are cheap with lousy effects, but sometimes they have a charm that encourages a level of forgiveness for trying to achieve something. Zombie Night, a SyFy movie from 2013, is not one of those.

Someone, somewhere thought it would be a good idea to put 80s icons such as Alan Ruck (Ferris Bueller's Day Off), Daryl Hannah (Splash) and Anthony Michael Hall (Weird Science and The Dead Zone TV series) together in a film about zombies that exist for one night only, and then handed the production over to some people who should never be let near a film again.

I was not expecting much, but that bar has never been so low. Our story begins out of nowhere with zombies suddenly appearing out of the ground, which is fun, but the scene itself is prolonged and our cast running about doing absolutely nothing to get away. It's embarrassing for them.

This is a problem throughout the film. Set pieces take place and the cast make increasingly poor and illogical decisions simply to put them into further jeopardy and pad out this abomination of a movie. I don't think I've ever watched a film shouting "They deserve to die!" at the screen. 

Sometimes, I will say a script could do with another polish, another point of view, but this one needs something poured on it and set on fire, then put in a bin to make sure the fire doesn't go out.

Hall, Hannah and Ruck do the best with their characters, and they are so good, but I just felt sorry for the cast having to read these lines and act these scenes with some kind of conviction. There's an elderly lady who just moans and whines, a neighbour who joins the group for reasons of plot, cries and moans, a little bit who moans. There's more moaning from the cast of characters than all the zombies put together.

Even the Zombie "rules" only come into play when it suits. A character get bitten and turns into a zombie. Other characters get bitten and absolutely nothing happens, or they take forever to turn, when it suits the story. Sometimes the zombies are slow, other times they're so quick the cast can't react. It is just so inconsistent it takes the pleasure away. Daft decisions include characters mistaking the yellow flashing of a construction crew lights for...., wait for it...., the blue and red flashing of police lights. They even go into a GREENHOUSE to get away from the zombies. Then there's a whole "thing" about trying to get past some vines in a tunnel which ends up taking no effort whatsoever.

I like to say something positive about a production even if it is terrible. So, in this flick, there ARE some decent zombie effects. That's it. Nothing more. It's a horrendous film and should be consigned to the bargain basement of Doom. Save yourselves. Avoid this. It's just under 90 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back. I've wasted them on this travesty.

Rating: 0/10

Year: 2013

Availability: I won't tell you. I don't want you to seek it out. It's out there, that's all you need to know...

Have You Been Watching...? Uglies (2024)

Uglies is a 2024 Netflix movie based on  the book by Scott Westerfield. It stars Joey King (The Conjuring), Keith Powers (Straight Outta Compton) and Laverne Cox (Orange is the New Black).  It's a new "teen/Young Adult" flick, and like it's contemporaries such as Divergent/Maze Runner/Twilight/Hunger Games etc al, it is intended to launch a new series of movies.

The story is set in an undisclosed dystopian future after some unexplained catastrophe and the world has decided that people  who are pretty have ended world division. No one gets picked on for their looks or background. Once a resident reaches the age of 16, they move from their sterile Boarding School existence, to a glamorous new life in the "City", having undergone a plastic surgery style transformation to make them pretty and vacuous , for  some reason.  Once this transformation takes place, the person loses all sight of who they were and their previous beliefs etc

It's all very vague. There's some discussion about a powerful orchid that has given mankind some kind of unlimited power supply as well. 

Our story centres on Tally Youngblood (King), whose friend reaches the ripe old age of 16 and undergoes the prettification. She then loses.contact with her friend and when she inexplicably breaks into the city, finds her friend doesn't care about her anymore. So she promptly makes a brand new best friend.

In true teen movie style, not everyone likes this new status quo and there is a rebellion forming run by an enigmatic young person called David in a place called "the Smoke" but is actually a forest. David, for some other reason of plot, falls in love with our Tally and together they try to bring down the bad guys of the piece, who have not just been making people pretty and vacuous, but also mindless soldiers. 

Apparently there are four books in this series, and our movie gives every indication that intends to follow suit. I hope this doesn't happen as this movie is a mess. Tally is a rebel for no real reason. There is little to no background for this character. There is some attempt to make her a flawed hero, but even this is a weak excuse to cause unnecessary, and quickly redundant, conflict. There is no clue as to her motivation. So her friend isn't bothered about her anymore so she stalks him? Security in The City is so weak I'm surprised the Uglies haven't overrun it almost by accident.

For a movie that is an allegory for the pointlessness of fake beauty, the film is just as guilty. For a bunch of "uglies", none of them actually are. The characters have the bare cliched bones of motivation.  The rebellion hide in a forest but the baddies cannot locate them without a little inside help, despite their advanced technology. The pretties are led by Dr Cable (Cox) who, again has no motivation other than "power". If this was the case, then why wait til the uglies are 16 to begin the transformation? Nothing about this film makes sense. Do the pretties not contact their families after they move to The City? Does no one bother about their loved one that much that it takes Tally to make enquiries? This is attempted to be addressed by the fact the Transformed no longer care about their pasts, but comes across and clumsy and lazy writing because the plot holes are so big any halfwit would be able to see the flaws.

I had never heard of the Uglies franchise before this film landed on Netflix, and I suspect this is because I am not part of its intended audience, but a good story should appeal to all, or have something to appeal to a wider audience. This movie doesn't. It's a shame as the mostly young cast do well with what they have been given, but the adult characters are just written as "generic adult". David's parents are integral to the story but are painted in only two dimensions, the same with Dr Cable, who just swans about trying to be enigmatic and important, but comes across as if they are just bored to be there. 

It would be no spoiler to reveal the movie is set up for a sequel, but even if the sequel did build upon this weak mess of a part one, it would be too little too late, and on the strength of this first instalment, it looks like the franchise has been killed stone dead.

Rating: 2/10

Year: 2024

Availability: streaming on Netflix