Have You Been Watching...? Slotherhouse (2023)

 

The comedy horror is a tough act to pull off. For every “Gremlins”, there’s a “Slaughterhouse Rulez”, for every “It Follows”, there’s a “The Stairs”. Some low budget horror movies come up with a witty premise but then squander it with poor acting, effects and script. They fail to make the most of their premise. Cocaine Bear is a case in point. It could have been totally hilarious.

Slotherhouse (yes, it’s a play on the word “slaughterhouse” so you get where this is going from the outset) is a case of “it knows exactly what it is and plays on it”.

Set in a sorority house, Emily Young wants to be elected President. However, mean girl and reigning Queen Bee wants to remain president and has no intention of losing her crown to Emily. Trying to increase her social standing, she adopts a sloth from an exotic pet collector, who had previously collected it from its home in the Panama Rainforest.  The cute little critter starts winning over the girls and Emily becomes a favourite to win. However, in between the scheming and shenanigans of sorority politics, all is not well with our little sloth, who has been named “Alpha”. Unbeknownst to Emily, Alpha has already done away with a large crocodile and the exotic pet owner. Alpha now moves on to the girls of the Sorority house.

I don’t want to spoil things for you, but just sit back and enjoy this one. In increasingly insane and creative ways, Alpha sets about dispatching the girls. Alpha also seems to settle into 21^st century life very well which culminates in the utterly bonkers sight of a sloth taking a selfie with it’s next victim.

This movie is HILARIOUS from start to finish. It's so refreshing to see a movie be this bananas and not shy away from the ridiculousness of its premise. Alpha is as cute as a button, but even cuter when it becomes a psychotic teddy bear with razor sharp claws. One of the characters even comments that its like a cute Chucky (referencing the Childs Play franchise about a killer doll).  Just wallow and enjoy the spectacle.

The story is by Bradley Fowler and Cady Lanigan, both writers and actors who make appearances in the movie, and directed by Matthew Goodhue (who has directed and written a number of short movies). I’m not familiar with any of their previous works, but if this is evidence of what they are capable of, then they should do well in the future. 

The cast is headed by Lisa Ambalavanar (Emily) an English actress known for Teen Scifi series “Titans” and afternoon medical soap “Doctors” no less! Other names you might recognise are Sydney Craven as Brianna. She is another English actress known for teen werewolf drama Wolfblood and Evening market soap “Eastenders". Stefan Kapicic plays Oliver and he is best known to me as the voice of Collossus in Deadpool 1&2, and rounding off the more familiar faces is Tiuff Stevenson, from BBC comedies Gameface and White Gold. They, and the rest of the cast, are so tuned into this bizarre movie that none come across as simply playing this for the pay cheque, they are totally believable and having a great time!

This movie deserves to be one of those Halloween classics that gets put on every year. It truly is the perfect mix of horror and humour. You'll enjoy this one! (I hope)

 

Year; 2023

Rating 7/10

Availability, streaming on the isual platforms

Have You Been Watching...? Project Gemini (2023)

Picture this. It’s the dawn of 2023. The morning after the night before. I’m hunting on the apps for a sci-fi movie. I’m in the mood for aliens, spaceships, planets…the works! Every Time I see one that appeals, I’ve seen it before. I want something new. I stumble across Project Gemini… The trailer looked good, so do the effects, so I take the leap…

It turns out Project Gemini is a Russian production (not a problem, I didn’t mind “Attraction” and its sequel “Invasion” from a couple of years ago), and the main cast are also Russian, but speaking English with American accents. Further research indicates this is not quite true, the movie was allegedly filmed in English, then re-dubbed which is why the voices don’t seem to match. How true this is, I have no idea.

The plot of Project Gemini “borrows” heavily from a lot of mainstream popular sci-fi movies. You will find the Alien franchise’s shadow hangs heavy over the production, including the prequel “Prometheus”, but there are a number of great ideas in this movie, it just somehow doesn’t manage to pull them off. Warning: Spoilers aplenty coming up.

In the near future, a virus is wiping out plant life on planet Earth, causing serious problems for the population. Everyone pins their hopes on an expedition to terraform another planet. All of this I relayed in the exposition-laden introduction to the film. The godsend technology that allows this turns out to have been an alien sphere found in a cave that is approximately 4 billion years old. In an instant, it’s believed to have terraformed the Earth and they believe that the sphere can do it again on another world.

A crack team of bland, characterless astronauts are assembled to deliver the payload on a recently discovered world imaginatively called “Tess”. En route to the new world, the sphere somehow activates and releases a lifeform which damages the ship as it is in mid-wormhole (or something). The ship exits the wormhole in an uncharted area of space. Unaware of their stowaway, the crew decide to land on the new planet and continue the mission anyway.

As the movie unfolds we are “treated” to flashbacks, which confuse matters even more, yet still add no characterisation to the crew. In true “alien” style, there are a number of quite literally pointless deaths. There’s also the standard crew member that gets infected by the alien (despite this not happening to anyone else). The alien itself is a clear Xenomorph rip-off. It all turns out in a bizarre twist that is signposted from the opening scenes, that the ship has not travelled in space, but 4 billion years into the past. Yes, the sphere they want to create the new world, is the same sphere that spawned life on earth. What any of this has to do with a Xenomorph killing everyone is anyone’s guess.

The script, the action and the acting is very poor. What saves this movie is the effects and sets. The caves were apparently filmed in Kazakhstan, and it makes a lovely exotic and alien set-piece. What IS outstanding, is the special effects work. It is truly staggering and it seems the effects and the rest of the movie are two different films jammed together. The CGI is wonderful to watch. The downside being that one wishes the effects were married to a much better film in the studio scenes.

I love films that want to “have a go” and create something good that can give the megastudios a run for their money. This could easily have been one of them. Maybe it’s a “lost in translation” script, could a subtitled version work better? We will never know.  This just isn’t the film to do the CGI justice. It’s a tidy 100 mins long, so it’s not a massive chunk of time to waste if you want to give the film a go yourself. 

Trust me, the spoilers above are only part of the revelations of the film, so its not ruined if you’ve read this far.

YEAR: 2022

RATING: 3/10

AVAILABILITY: currently available to rent or buy from the usual online retailers.