Have You Been Watching...? Zombie Night (2013)

  

Syfy/Asylum studio movies can be a bit "hit and miss". Apparently the studio have never made a loss on any of their flicks. Yes, they are cheap with lousy effects, but sometimes they have a charm that encourages a level of forgiveness for trying to achieve something. Zombie Night, a SyFy movie from 2013, is not one of those.

Someone, somewhere thought it would be a good idea to put 80s icons such as Alan Ruck (Ferris Bueller's Day Off), Daryl Hannah (Splash) and Anthony Michael Hall (Weird Science and The Dead Zone TV series) together in a film about zombies that exist for one night only, and then handed the production over to some people who should never be let near a film again.

I was not expecting much, but that bar has never been so low. Our story begins out of nowhere with zombies suddenly appearing out of the ground, which is fun, but the scene itself is prolonged and our cast running about doing absolutely nothing to get away. It's embarrassing for them.

This is a problem throughout the film. Set pieces take place and the cast make increasingly poor and illogical decisions simply to put them into further jeopardy and pad out this abomination of a movie. I don't think I've ever watched a film shouting "They deserve to die!" at the screen. 

Sometimes, I will say a script could do with another polish, another point of view, but this one needs something poured on it and set on fire, then put in a bin to make sure the fire doesn't go out.

Hall, Hannah and Ruck do the best with their characters, and they are so good, but I just felt sorry for the cast having to read these lines and act these scenes with some kind of conviction. There's an elderly lady who just moans and whines, a neighbour who joins the group for reasons of plot, cries and moans, a little bit who moans. There's more moaning from the cast of characters than all the zombies put together.

Even the Zombie "rules" only come into play when it suits. A character get bitten and turns into a zombie. Other characters get bitten and absolutely nothing happens, or they take forever to turn, when it suits the story. Sometimes the zombies are slow, other times they're so quick the cast can't react. It is just so inconsistent it takes the pleasure away. Daft decisions include characters mistaking the yellow flashing of a construction crew lights for...., wait for it...., the blue and red flashing of police lights. They even go into a GREENHOUSE to get away from the zombies. Then there's a whole "thing" about trying to get past some vines in a tunnel which ends up taking no effort whatsoever.

I like to say something positive about a production even if it is terrible. So, in this flick, there ARE some decent zombie effects. That's it. Nothing more. It's a horrendous film and should be consigned to the bargain basement of Doom. Save yourselves. Avoid this. It's just under 90 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back. I've wasted them on this travesty.

Rating: 0/10

Year: 2013

Availability: I won't tell you. I don't want you to seek it out. It's out there, that's all you need to know...

Have You Been Watching...? Uglies (2024)

Uglies is a 2024 Netflix movie based on  the book by Scott Westerfield. It stars Joey King (The Conjuring), Keith Powers (Straight Outta Compton) and Laverne Cox (Orange is the New Black).  It's a new "teen/Young Adult" flick, and like it's contemporaries such as Divergent/Maze Runner/Twilight/Hunger Games etc al, it is intended to launch a new series of movies.

The story is set in an undisclosed dystopian future after some unexplained catastrophe and the world has decided that people  who are pretty have ended world division. No one gets picked on for their looks or background. Once a resident reaches the age of 16, they move from their sterile Boarding School existence, to a glamorous new life in the "City", having undergone a plastic surgery style transformation to make them pretty and vacuous , for  some reason.  Once this transformation takes place, the person loses all sight of who they were and their previous beliefs etc

It's all very vague. There's some discussion about a powerful orchid that has given mankind some kind of unlimited power supply as well. 

Our story centres on Tally Youngblood (King), whose friend reaches the ripe old age of 16 and undergoes the prettification. She then loses.contact with her friend and when she inexplicably breaks into the city, finds her friend doesn't care about her anymore. So she promptly makes a brand new best friend.

In true teen movie style, not everyone likes this new status quo and there is a rebellion forming run by an enigmatic young person called David in a place called "the Smoke" but is actually a forest. David, for some other reason of plot, falls in love with our Tally and together they try to bring down the bad guys of the piece, who have not just been making people pretty and vacuous, but also mindless soldiers. 

Apparently there are four books in this series, and our movie gives every indication that intends to follow suit. I hope this doesn't happen as this movie is a mess. Tally is a rebel for no real reason. There is little to no background for this character. There is some attempt to make her a flawed hero, but even this is a weak excuse to cause unnecessary, and quickly redundant, conflict. There is no clue as to her motivation. So her friend isn't bothered about her anymore so she stalks him? Security in The City is so weak I'm surprised the Uglies haven't overrun it almost by accident.

For a movie that is an allegory for the pointlessness of fake beauty, the film is just as guilty. For a bunch of "uglies", none of them actually are. The characters have the bare cliched bones of motivation.  The rebellion hide in a forest but the baddies cannot locate them without a little inside help, despite their advanced technology. The pretties are led by Dr Cable (Cox) who, again has no motivation other than "power". If this was the case, then why wait til the uglies are 16 to begin the transformation? Nothing about this film makes sense. Do the pretties not contact their families after they move to The City? Does no one bother about their loved one that much that it takes Tally to make enquiries? This is attempted to be addressed by the fact the Transformed no longer care about their pasts, but comes across and clumsy and lazy writing because the plot holes are so big any halfwit would be able to see the flaws.

I had never heard of the Uglies franchise before this film landed on Netflix, and I suspect this is because I am not part of its intended audience, but a good story should appeal to all, or have something to appeal to a wider audience. This movie doesn't. It's a shame as the mostly young cast do well with what they have been given, but the adult characters are just written as "generic adult". David's parents are integral to the story but are painted in only two dimensions, the same with Dr Cable, who just swans about trying to be enigmatic and important, but comes across as if they are just bored to be there. 

It would be no spoiler to reveal the movie is set up for a sequel, but even if the sequel did build upon this weak mess of a part one, it would be too little too late, and on the strength of this first instalment, it looks like the franchise has been killed stone dead.

Rating: 2/10

Year: 2024

Availability: streaming on Netflix

Have You Been Watching...? Damsel (2024)

 

Mille Bobby Brown (aka Elle “Eleven” from Stranger Things) is a great actor. I loved her in Stranger Things, I love the Enola Holmes movies and she is a great role model for young women. She is in control of her career and executive produces movies she appears in, including this one, Damsel.

The movie is a Netflix production and is a subversive retelling of the traditional damsel in distress trope. In this case, our Damsel, Elodie, is the daughter of the lord of the unnamed country they reside in. The weather is cold, the population are freezing, food is scarce and they must do something to help their people. The answer?: marry Elodie off to the handsome prince of another, richer, country. Elodie reluctantly agrees, and the family head off to meet her would-be suitor with younger sister and step-mother in tow.

Unbeknownst to Elodie and her family, the Royal Family of Well-To-Do-Land “Aurea” have a secret, and it means danger for Elodie. Owing to pact made with a dragon generations before, Elodie finds herself fighting for her life in a labyrinthine network of caves, stalked at every turn by a molten lava-breathing dragon.

Being a Millie Bobby Brown movie, our heroine is a fierce, strong and independent woman who doesn’t need to rely on any man to keep her safe. This is a quality Prince Rich-Boy and his folks hadn’t counted on. There are some nice twists on the usual fairy-tale/fantasy tropes as the story progresses. Elodie, it transpires, is not the only one being lied to, and the step-mother plays against type by being not only genuinely lovely, but kind and caring.

The special effects are great, the Dragon is beautifully realised with a design that makes it really stand out. There are a number of well realised set-pieces utilising CGI, but it becomes wearisome the more we see it. The music for the movie is from renowned composer Hans Zimmer, and his style is ever present, which is a good thing. Casting is also great. Brown is her usual self in Elodie, Ray Winstone plays against type as a weak Lord, Angela Bassett is just lovely as the Step-mother (although the constant referring to her as “Step-mother” diminishes her role). Our dragon is voiced by Shohreh Aghdashloo, and American-Iranian actress, known widely as Chrisjen Avasarala on The Expanse TV series. She imbues the character with a creepiness and compassion which adds so much to what could have been a by-the-numbers role. Love, Simon actor Nick Robinson plays Prince Henry of Aurea and is woefully underused, but this isn’t his story so its understandable. House of Cards star Robin Wright plays Henry’s mother Queen Isabelle, and if this movie was a panto, you’d “boo” every time she appears. She’s definitely the dominant character in that Royal Family as her husband the king (Milo Twomey) barely has a word in the whole film.

The script is where the movie falls down. Characterisation beyond Elodie is next-to-non-existant. The plot barely makes any sense. Who made the pact between the dragon and Royals? Why is it even there? The Dragon has no issue leaving the cave so why doesn’t it just pop out one day and blast the city away? The whole "getting girls into the cave for the Dragon" just seems an elaborate plan for no real pay-off. Surely word would have gotten around from other countries that women keep marrying the Prince and disappearing! Something happens in the film between Isabelle and Elodie’s sister Floria (Brooke Carter) that makes the whole scheme pointless. Why didn’t they just do that from the outset?

Overall, the movie isn’t terrible and is a decent enough fantasy flick, if you're not expecting anything too much. It’s probably a bit too scary for young viewers, though

Year: 2024

Rating: 6/10

Availability: at the time of writing, streaming on Netflix

Have You Been Watching...? Slotherhouse (2023)

 

The comedy horror is a tough act to pull off. For every “Gremlins”, there’s a “Slaughterhouse Rulez”, for every “It Follows”, there’s a “The Stairs”. Some low budget horror movies come up with a witty premise but then squander it with poor acting, effects and script. They fail to make the most of their premise. Cocaine Bear is a case in point. It could have been totally hilarious.

Slotherhouse (yes, it’s a play on the word “slaughterhouse” so you get where this is going from the outset) is a case of “it knows exactly what it is and plays on it”.

Set in a sorority house, Emily Young wants to be elected President. However, mean girl and reigning Queen Bee wants to remain president and has no intention of losing her crown to Emily. Trying to increase her social standing, she adopts a sloth from an exotic pet collector, who had previously collected it from its home in the Panama Rainforest.  The cute little critter starts winning over the girls and Emily becomes a favourite to win. However, in between the scheming and shenanigans of sorority politics, all is not well with our little sloth, who has been named “Alpha”. Unbeknownst to Emily, Alpha has already done away with a large crocodile and the exotic pet owner. Alpha now moves on to the girls of the Sorority house.

I don’t want to spoil things for you, but just sit back and enjoy this one. In increasingly insane and creative ways, Alpha sets about dispatching the girls. Alpha also seems to settle into 21^st century life very well which culminates in the utterly bonkers sight of a sloth taking a selfie with it’s next victim.

This movie is HILARIOUS from start to finish. It's so refreshing to see a movie be this bananas and not shy away from the ridiculousness of its premise. Alpha is as cute as a button, but even cuter when it becomes a psychotic teddy bear with razor sharp claws. One of the characters even comments that its like a cute Chucky (referencing the Childs Play franchise about a killer doll).  Just wallow and enjoy the spectacle.

The story is by Bradley Fowler and Cady Lanigan, both writers and actors who make appearances in the movie, and directed by Matthew Goodhue (who has directed and written a number of short movies). I’m not familiar with any of their previous works, but if this is evidence of what they are capable of, then they should do well in the future. 

The cast is headed by Lisa Ambalavanar (Emily) an English actress known for Teen Scifi series “Titans” and afternoon medical soap “Doctors” no less! Other names you might recognise are Sydney Craven as Brianna. She is another English actress known for teen werewolf drama Wolfblood and Evening market soap “Eastenders". Stefan Kapicic plays Oliver and he is best known to me as the voice of Collossus in Deadpool 1&2, and rounding off the more familiar faces is Tiuff Stevenson, from BBC comedies Gameface and White Gold. They, and the rest of the cast, are so tuned into this bizarre movie that none come across as simply playing this for the pay cheque, they are totally believable and having a great time!

This movie deserves to be one of those Halloween classics that gets put on every year. It truly is the perfect mix of horror and humour. You'll enjoy this one! (I hope)

 

Year; 2023

Rating 7/10

Availability, streaming on the isual platforms

Have You Been Watching...? Project Gemini (2023)

Picture this. It’s the dawn of 2023. The morning after the night before. I’m hunting on the apps for a sci-fi movie. I’m in the mood for aliens, spaceships, planets…the works! Every Time I see one that appeals, I’ve seen it before. I want something new. I stumble across Project Gemini… The trailer looked good, so do the effects, so I take the leap…

It turns out Project Gemini is a Russian production (not a problem, I didn’t mind “Attraction” and its sequel “Invasion” from a couple of years ago), and the main cast are also Russian, but speaking English with American accents. Further research indicates this is not quite true, the movie was allegedly filmed in English, then re-dubbed which is why the voices don’t seem to match. How true this is, I have no idea.

The plot of Project Gemini “borrows” heavily from a lot of mainstream popular sci-fi movies. You will find the Alien franchise’s shadow hangs heavy over the production, including the prequel “Prometheus”, but there are a number of great ideas in this movie, it just somehow doesn’t manage to pull them off. Warning: Spoilers aplenty coming up.

In the near future, a virus is wiping out plant life on planet Earth, causing serious problems for the population. Everyone pins their hopes on an expedition to terraform another planet. All of this I relayed in the exposition-laden introduction to the film. The godsend technology that allows this turns out to have been an alien sphere found in a cave that is approximately 4 billion years old. In an instant, it’s believed to have terraformed the Earth and they believe that the sphere can do it again on another world.

A crack team of bland, characterless astronauts are assembled to deliver the payload on a recently discovered world imaginatively called “Tess”. En route to the new world, the sphere somehow activates and releases a lifeform which damages the ship as it is in mid-wormhole (or something). The ship exits the wormhole in an uncharted area of space. Unaware of their stowaway, the crew decide to land on the new planet and continue the mission anyway.

As the movie unfolds we are “treated” to flashbacks, which confuse matters even more, yet still add no characterisation to the crew. In true “alien” style, there are a number of quite literally pointless deaths. There’s also the standard crew member that gets infected by the alien (despite this not happening to anyone else). The alien itself is a clear Xenomorph rip-off. It all turns out in a bizarre twist that is signposted from the opening scenes, that the ship has not travelled in space, but 4 billion years into the past. Yes, the sphere they want to create the new world, is the same sphere that spawned life on earth. What any of this has to do with a Xenomorph killing everyone is anyone’s guess.

The script, the action and the acting is very poor. What saves this movie is the effects and sets. The caves were apparently filmed in Kazakhstan, and it makes a lovely exotic and alien set-piece. What IS outstanding, is the special effects work. It is truly staggering and it seems the effects and the rest of the movie are two different films jammed together. The CGI is wonderful to watch. The downside being that one wishes the effects were married to a much better film in the studio scenes.

I love films that want to “have a go” and create something good that can give the megastudios a run for their money. This could easily have been one of them. Maybe it’s a “lost in translation” script, could a subtitled version work better? We will never know.  This just isn’t the film to do the CGI justice. It’s a tidy 100 mins long, so it’s not a massive chunk of time to waste if you want to give the film a go yourself. 

Trust me, the spoilers above are only part of the revelations of the film, so its not ruined if you’ve read this far.

YEAR: 2022

RATING: 3/10

AVAILABILITY: currently available to rent or buy from the usual online retailers.

 

Have You Been Watching...? Black Crab (2022)

 

Black Crab (or Svart Krabba in its original language) is a Swedish action movie currently at the time of writing, available on Netflix. It has some good pedigree, not least it’s lead actor, Noomi Rapace, whom English language movie-goers will recognise as Dr Elizabeth Shaw from Alien prequel “Prometheus”, as well as appearing in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, and all three movies in the “Girl with a dragon tattoo” series. It also features Aliette Opheim from Icelandic mystery thriller “Katla” (also available on Netflix) and Norwegian actor Jakob Oftebro (whom I was pleasantly surprised to see, while researching, that he starred in a movie called Max Manus!). The movie’s director is Adam Berg, who along with producing Amazon Prime’s Tales from the Loop series, appears to have directed numerous pop videos.

The trailer and promotion for this movie is what drew me. An apocalyptic movie, involving a rag-tag team on a mission to save the day. Now, maybe I’m sick and twisted, but I do love a good apocalypse movie. I like a bit of spectacle and the world falling to bits.

This is not that kind of movie. The story opens up with Rapace’s character, Caroline Edh, in a car, in a tunnel with her young daughter, when what appears to be a marauding terrorist incident takes place. Edh remains in the rear of the car, with the daughter, when one of the gunmen smashes the window and it all goes dark.

Fast forward what is clearly a number of years, but Edh still looks the same. She is hauled from a train by soldiers and ordered to some military compound.  She is escorted by a captain, Nylund, who makes a stop in a village of sorts, and exits the vehicle. For some reason Edh gets out and into a fight with the population, resulting in her stealing the car and making for the compound without Nylund. There she is informed she and a small group are to transport a package across a frozen “Archiepelago”. Edh is told that her daughter has been found in a refugee camp and she can be reunited with her once the mission is complete.

I found myself with more and more questions as the film went on. Why choose Edh? What’s her speciality that makes her an ideal candidate to join the group on the ice? Was she a champion ice skater before the war? (I’ve since read a review that says she’s a speed skater). Oh yes, there appears to be a war. The enemy is never made explicit. Who are they? Why have they waged war? Unfortunately, it seems to be a story for story’s sake. Equally unfortunately, none of it makes any sense whatsoever. After watching numerous escapades on the ice, and yes like any other quest movie, some of them die on the way, the story then takes a bizarre turn. After receiving some news she’d rather not have received, Edh makes a decision that makes the whole story pointless.

I felt very disappointed and underwhelmed by the story’s conclusion. With a running time of almost 2 hours, it’s hard not to feel frustrated. It’s not all awful though. The CGI is very good on occasions and some of the gore is rather good too. I also liked the music, by a group calling themselves “dead people”. However, it’s too little to save this movie and I would not recommend it. The movie didn’t thrill me and I couldn’t have cared less for the characters (I was going to say I didn’t warm to them, but that sounded a cheap joke!).

Year – 2022

Availability – Netflix (various language and subtitle options)

HYBW movie rating – 4/10

Have You Been Watching...? There's Something In The Barn (2023)

At Christmas time, there's something naughty and mischievous about watching a Christmas themed horror/monster movie. As a boy I adored the Gremlins movies. Recently, I quite enjoyed the Adam Scott starring "Krampus" movie and the Norwegian entry "Rare Exports: A Christmas Story". This new entry "There's something in the barn" is as close to Gremlins as you will get for the time being.

The movie centers around the Norwegian myth of Barn elves, little elves that will look after you as long as you;re good to them and follow their rules (yes, there are rules too!) These include no bright lights and no loud music. So, into our story come the Nordheim family. They're American of Norwegian descent, and so, when one of the family dies they are left their house in Gudbrandsdalen. Arriving at Christmastime, it doesn't take long for the loud Americans to fall foul of the rules of the barn elves, which then leads to all out war!

Martin Starr (Roger Harrington in the MCU movies) takes on the role of Bill Nordheim, the dad of the family and enthusiastic for the family's move there. Amrita Acharia (from ITV's Good Karma Hospital) plays the mother, Carol with Zoe Winther-Hansen and Townes Bunner as the kids Nora and Lucas respectively. Lucas finds out about the barn elf quite early on and does his best to abide by the rules, but his family don't believe him at all. Henriette Steenstrup, a Norwegian actress probably best known abroad for the Netflix series Ragnarok, is an absolute scene stealer in her role as the local police officer. 

In true Gremlins style, the horror is probably a little too adult for the little ones and there is a good amount of gore in this movie Fortunately, there is also a great amount of comedy, not just from the war against the elves, but from the culture clash of the brash Americans and the reserved Norwegians.

We have been missing this kind of quirky Christmas horror for a while. Setting the movie in Norway is a masterstroke, not least because of the folklore, but because the scenery and the snow covered locations are just wonderful , and it's nice to see a movie set somewhere different.  The movie is directed by Magnus Martens, who genre fans may know from Fear the Walking Dead and it's written by Aleksander Kirkwood Brown, who has written previous Norwegian movies about their folklore, so the pedigree for this movie is good!

The cast do their best with the material, but this ain't Shakespeare. We are in it for the Elves and they don't disappoint. So strap yours"elves"  in and get ready for a very enjoyable riot! 

Year: 2022

Rating 8/10

Availability: from online digital retailers